So today…. This happened…

I had my oncology appointment just before this photo was taken… The second time in a week.

Last week I was neutropenic and still on antibiotics, so not fit to have my second cycle of EC. My neutrophils were at 0.7, less than half what is deemed safe.

A sense of relief washed over me – yes I was at a higher risk of picking up infection (not great!), but I didn’t have to endure another cycle of chemo just yet.

I had to see the consultant today to discuss my options going forward. My wonderful sister came with me.
I had my bloods done this morning to check my blood count. And it went something like this…

• Neutrophils – 5.0! Get in! I finally have my immune system back! BOOM!
• Inflammation levels – Low – this is good!
• Cancer – Nada! Nothing! Nil poi!

Yep! You read that right!!

So not only does my MRI scan from January show a complete response to the chemo… My bloods are showing no sign of cancer in my body!!!!!

To say I’m thrilled is an understatement!!

On the back of the fact that my body hates all drugs, the oncologist has decided against my last two rounds of EC. YESSSSSSSS!!!!

So, now I have to wait for my referral from the surgeons and depending on what/if they find anything, it will be a routine lumpectomy followed four weeks later by four weeks of daily radiotherapy!!

After my appointment, I headed round to the chemo department to cancel my chemo appointment on Friday.

“Ooh you’ve only had one round of EC! Are you ok?!” The receptionist asked!
“I am!! I don’t need anymore!! I don’t have cancer anymore! It’s shown a complete response to the chemo!” I said beaming!
“That’s brilliant news!!! Just wait there! I need to tell the nurses!! You need to ring the bell!!”
“No no no! it’s ok!” I cringed!

And then there they were!! Even my favourite tea lady!
“Ooh I need to get the camera!! You need to go on our VIP board of chemo completers!!” Said one of the nurses!

Bloody hell I thought! a) I hate people looking at me! b) I hate having my picture taken…

It took two attempts because on the first one I had my eyes closed (the bell was so loud!!) and my chemo chins were on full display!

But bloody hell!! How bloody powerful and exhilarating!!!

I thanked my nurses and politely said “I really hope I never see you guys again!! And I mean that in the nicest possible way!”
The nurses laughed and said, “Hopefully only in the pub eh!! And then you can buy us a drink!”

We laughed, we left, and we headed back to the car for a celebratory McDonald’s; I’d been unable to eat before my appointment – stress I think!

So now you’ve had my good news, put the kettle on, grab your Kleenex, and prepare yourself for the next bit… When I say bit, I mean the subsequent essay that’s about to follow…

I can’t believe how quickly the past few months have gone…

There have been ups, there have been downs, and they’ve been some horrendously, horrendously low points.

From the minute I found that lump, I started to lose parts of me, bit by bit, day by day. I lost my sense of self, little bits of my soul, I lost my hair (all of it!), my eyelashes, my brows and I gained weight. I lost my confidence, my bubbly bit, my fire and my self esteem.

Having seen both parents fight this horrible disease in 2018, I thought I had some idea about what I was letting myself in for, but let me tell you this, until you go through it, until they utter those words, “It’s Cancer”, and until you have to use those same words to tell your children, your family and your friends, you’ve no idea.
Not a bloody clue.

Those emotions that run through your body; The shock, the hurt, the upset, the hate, the anxiety, the anger, the guilt, the sheer heartbreak; I don’t think I’ll ever feel those again on the same level I have done over the past five months.

I had to stop working, and wow, the grief and sense of loss that came with that was utterly gut wrenching.

And the questions! All the questions! And that question… Why me?!

I have screamed, I’ve shouted, I’ve cried, I’ve sobbed, I’ve thrown things, I’ve found out who my real my friends are, I’ve seen the true colours of people I thought cared about me, and seen how low people can and will go just to benefit themselves at someone elses expense.
I’ve learnt how strong and resilient I AM, and how strong and stubborn my body is. And boy, are we two stubborn arsed bitches!!

My body has endured poisonous infusion after poisonous infusion. She has endured overwhelming fatigue, pain, nausea, fever, weakness, infection, ringing ears, blurry eyes, altered taste buds, neuropathy, vertigo, the sheer feeling of intoxication for days on end.

She desperately tried to protect me from the poison they were pumping into me, weekly and then three weekly
She hid my veins and rejected pretty much everything they gave me. She kept me going even when at some points I didn’t think I could take anymore. She used her intuition to save me.

Those days when I was wishing for it to be over, and would have openly taken a way out, she kept my heart ticking over and refused to give up on me.

It’s easy for people to tell you to “Stay Positive!”, “You’re a Warrior!” “Your so strong!” But the truth is this, you don’t have a choice. It’s fucking awful, mentally, physically & emotionally, and all you can do, is put your life in the hands of strangers, do as you’re told and keep going.

You keep fighting – even when you don’t feel like it – for those people you love so, so much, and for those who love you back!

This whole horrid chapter in my life is almost over, and I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have been there for me… To all those who’ve held me while I’ve cried, picked my children up from school and taken them so I could rest and recover, held my hand through chemo, stabbed me when I could, taken me to appointment after appointment, MRI scan after MRI scan, blood test after blood test, the ups, the downs, shaving your heads, donated to charity, the tears, the tantrums, the daily GIFs, hilarious TikTok vids, the cuppas, the phonecalls, the messages of support, the brunches, the lunches, the walks, the A&E trips, and for visiting me in hospital when we thought I’d finally reached my breaking point.

To my children, my sister’s, my nephew’s & my wonderful friends for keeping me smiling. To my mum for saving my life, and taking care of my children. To the nurses who dubbed me trouble and kept spirits high, even when things were going a bit shitty!

not crying, not crying, not crying

To all of you (and to my bloody amazing body), I will be so eternally grateful! I genuinely can’t put into words just how much gratitude I have and how much love and admiration I have for you all!!

Thank you! Thank you! And Thank You Again!!

Only a few more months to get through, and I can start putting my life back together!!

Fuck You Titler!

PEACE OUT!! Mic Drop!